Master/slave issues
We have friends who are in Master/slave relationships and occasionally (as in all relationships) they have problems. Those of you who have been with us since the beginning of our blog and those of you who have read through all our past posts (there should be a medal) know that we originally talked about ourselves in terms of Master/slave (M/s). However, those terms and that dynamic didn’t feel like a good fit to us and pretty quickly Richard required me to call him Daddy. While I was initially very hesitant about calling him Daddy, it fits him (and us) very well, because he is very nurturing and protective (and bossy and demanding <joke>) of me.
Oh dear. I see that I’ve gotten off track. I wanted to talk about a problem a friend of ours is having in her M/s relationship. She has caught her Master “cheating” on her online several times. Each time, he promises never to do it again and they talk things through and eventually she gives him another chance. (They’ve broken up over this at least once before.)
Our (female) friends think he is a major loser and she should just kick him to the curb, but she keeps going back to him. I can probably sum up the general feeling as “He’s no Master, he’s a sneaking, lying little boy.”
I’ve talked to Megan about this a few times, and I decided the other day to ask Richard his opinion. He’s not usually very interested in following the complexities of our friends’ relationships, so I tried to paint things with a broad brush. I was surprised that his take on the situation was so different from mine, and after my initial shock really learned a lot from his perspective. Following is an abbreviated version of our discussion. I’m curious to hear what our readers (male and female) think about it.
Oh, one last thing, our friend’s Master banned her from the internet because he felt that her friends were interfering with their relationship. Major red flag for most of us, since that is considered a classic sign of abuse - separating someone from their friends and family. She has recently secretly opened an email account and been emailing her friends about the situation.
Amy: Daddy, I’m really worried about Christine. (gives general details of the situation)
Richard: Who’s the Master in that relationship? It doesn’t sound like he is, that’s for sure.
Amy: Whuh? I mean, excuse me Sir? What do you mean? (translation: What planet do you live on?)
Richard: Well, she’s telling him how he has to behave. It sounds like she is the Master. Why isn’t he deciding how he will behave?
Amy: He says he’ll behave one way, but then he behaves another way. She can’t trust him.
Richard: He should simply say: “This is what I want to do.” and then she can decide whether she wants to be with someone who behaves that way.
Amy: Wellll, I guess he wants to be monogamous or thinks he should be, but then he is tempted. Maybe it’s like an addiction. He knows that she doesn’t want him to do it, but he can’t help it.
Richard: Baby girl, if he can’t Master himself, how can he Master her?
Amy: I don’t know if this is really a Master/slave issue, Daddy. Trust is important in vanilla relationships too. It’s just in M/s relationships, it’s even more important, because both people are so vulnerable.
Richard: Yes, and it’s even more important to be yourself in an M/s relationship. Which he is not doing, by trying to change himself to be what she wants. And how can he trust her? It sounds like she is doing the same thing he is, emailing her friends without his permission.
Amy: I know that most men aren’t naturally monogamous, but that’s hard for most women to accept. Megan is the only woman I know who accepts and even embraces that in her man. She is so much stronger than me. I’m lucky that you are monogamous, because it would hurt me a lot if you weren’t.
Richard: Yes, but you have to deal with your Daddy being a sadist, when you don’t like to get hurt. We all have to figure out what we can and can’t tolerate in our relationships and be honest about that with our partners AND ourselves. If Christine can’t tolerate a Master that “plays” online then she needs to find a Master that doesn’t do that. But she can’t MAKE her Master change, because then she is no longer a slave, she’s the Master.
Amy: I guess that makes sense, Daddy. I just feel so bad for Christine. She deserves to be happy and this relationship seems to be making her sad.
Richard: Christine needs to be Christine, and her Master needs to be himself, and they can only be happy together if they are able to be themselves. If they can only be together by denying who they are, then it won’t work.