Home alone
Richard had a shoot today, so he has been gone since 9 this morning. It’s not even 4 yet, and I’m miserable. And I’m doing the Buddhist “second arrow” thing of being upset that I’m miserable, which makes me twice as miserable.
When he was gone, I did some work but then found myself grinding slowly to a halt, feeling kind of lost and pathetic. I finally made myself go out and fill the car with gas (Omigosh that’s expensive!) and then buy some fresh cod and corn on the cob to grill for dinner. I listened to some of my secret-shame-pop-songs to cheer myself up (SexyBack, Fergilicious, Dirty - any suggestions for more recent songs?), which worked for a little bit.
What has happened to me? I used to be the most independent woman I know. I spent most of the five years before Richard and I got together alone.
It’s scary for me to feel this attached to him, this needy. In the past, when I’ve been needy (which was seldom) my partner would withdraw. I have always identified the beginning of the end of my marriage from when I miscarried and my ex-husband became dismissive and withdrawn. “I just don’t think I can make you happy anymore” he said, when I was still sad a month after the miscarriage.
Richard says he likes it that I’m dependent on him, that he doesn’t mind when I get needy. He joked the other day, when I apologized for whining, that he was going to start *requiring* me to whine at least once a day.
I guess that is why we were drawn to the Daddy/little girl dynamic, because he is even more nurturing than I am (which I didn’t think was possible for a man to be : )). We both like caring for and pampering our partner. This is the first time for both of us that it’s mutual - we take care of each other.
But sometimes, like now, this “mutual” thing feels scary. I worry that he’ll get sick of me if I’m too clingy, if I need him too much. And then I think that thinking that way - is that me being controlling? I think maybe it was easier in a way when I was the one who was always giving. That way, why would they ever leave me? I was a low cost, high return relationship.
*Sigh*
Richard just came in! Hooray! He’s home early! Part of me is tempted to just erase this post, or save it to “draft”, but I know he likes me to post things honestly and in a timely way. So. I’ll just hit “Publish” and snuggle up and let him read it.
xoAmy