A Thank You From Megan
Hi guys! Bet you didn’t expect to see another post from me here. This should teach you to let me remain part of your blog! [insert delighted smirk here]
Readers, you might remember Amy mentioning that when she started exploring BDSM, I had the wonderful pleasure of guiding her a little bit, as I’ve been in the lifestyle for nearly a decade. I’ve noticed that she praises my wisdom far too much. Here’s a peek at the dynamic reversed! 
Let’s go back a year in time. I was half a year shy of the end of my 6 year marriage to my former Master. I was confused and unsure of which way to go. I was done with my post-divorce/release phase of “done with D/s”, and the phase of claiming to be a new-born lesbian, and was in the process of moving 3000 miles to give a new relationship a try. I was very fascinated and hopeful about this guy, and also a little hesitant because some of the things he wanted were things that I was strongly considering moving away from, but I wanted to give it a fair try. I was also very excited about living 6 hours away from Amy, instead of on the other side of the continent!
I remember Amy and Richard visiting with us at the very beginning. Even as we were quite new in the relationship, we already had the dynamic down and were quite hard core both S&M wise and protocol wise, and both bruises and demeanor were firmly in place upon their arrival. I remember Amy writing a very sweet entry about the visit, and I remember her telling me that she felt like a novice, compared to what she saw there.
And I remember that I saw it very differently. If anyone felt like a novice, it was me. I might have the kneels, the posture, the demeanor, the backing away respectfully, and so forth, down… but my heart wasn’t quite with it. I was still trying to find my place, my comfort zone, my sense of belonging. Everything I did, I did with a deep seated fear of not doing it right, and was obsessing over the fact that I could never quite seem to get it down intuitively and smoothly enough. I was always just a little late realizing that his glass was nearing empty, always a little too clumsy as I was backing away, and I couldn’t relax to save my life.
And I saw Amy and Richard cuddled up on the couch. They weren’t that old in their relationship either, I think they had just passed their first six months of living together. But I saw Amy predict Richard’s needs before he even knew he needed anything. Not because she was obsessively watching his glass with a deep fear of failing to notice when it was nearing empty, like I was with my dom, but because she was so in tune with him that she just knew. I saw her spontaneously feed him from her fingers, and I saw him feed her. They were giggling, their love apparent in everything they did. I was thinking that Amy was so much more a natural slave than I was, because she acted so naturally out of love and celebration, rather than in that obsessive worryful way that I was doing it. (Later I realized that she maybe didn’t really do everything “right”, but she did it “right enough”, and seen through the perspective of his loving eyes, it WAS right. Not because she is perfect (even though she is!!!), but because he loves her, and he recognizes the pure devotion she feels for him and his wellbeing - as he feels for her as well.)
I remember thinking, I hope I will have what they have one day. Because that’s what it’s all about.
It didn’t happen with that dom. I never quite managed to get past focusing on all the things I was doing wrong, obsessing about not measuring up, trying so hard to avoid disappointing him, feeling like I was constantly being measured in a “not quite gonna make it” kind of way. In hindsight I realize that I lacked the awareness to pinpoint this, and in the heat of my desperation to try not to fuck up, I definitely was not aware of how counter-productive the negative focus was as opposed to the positive focus I have today.
It’s funny how you can do something, and do it really well, impressively well - and still not actually “getting it”. I started in a medium protocol relationship with gorean undertones, and moved to more protocol, even though I had already started wondering if that was something that really worked for me. It was all I really knew, and I had a hard time understanding how I could still feel like a slave without having a myriad of rituals to remind me. And this was part of the reason why I was feeling lost and confused.
I needed to see a different way, and see it work, and see it give the results that I really wanted.
And that is what I saw, when I moved down to stay with Richard and Amy for a while. Don’t get me started on the huge amount of love and spoiling I got there, because that’s not what this entry is about, but it sure helped heal me, extremely quickly at that too. What this entry is about, however, is their dynamic and how it inspired and influenced me and got me onto the right track. How they taught me in the best way - by example.
It started at that visit I mentioned up there, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. During my too few months with them, I started seeing D/s in a different light, a light that actually fit me much better than my “previous lives”. Their dynamic is just so.. ALIVE.. free flowing, filled with a constant, active energy. They really don’t have much protocol as far as I’ve noticed, and the reason why I am mentioning this protocol stuff so much is for two reasons: one because I needed that epiphany in order to be open for the right type of relationship for me, and second because what triggered this post in the first place, was an entry that Amy wrote several months back, about them not having a “normal” D/s relationship, not “scening”, and so forth. And I was so triggered and upset by it, because I see what Richard and Amy have as being FAR more evolved than that, and I just wanted to shake her and tell her “why on earth would you want to go BACKWARDS???”.
Watching the playfulness between Richard and Amy, seeing how they managed to be goofy and head over heels in love, vulnerable with each other, shamelessly adoring each other, and just really living life with so much joy and passion, and seeing how this all just fueled the D/s aspect of their relationship instead of somehow making it less “real”, that was the real eye opener for me. Realizing that it was possible to have a really deep, fulfilling, complete, passionate and meaningful D/s relationship without the rigidness of protocol and rituals, that the lack of rituals and protocol didn’t mean loss of power exchange, or anything less intense.
And it was a big relief, to realize that it was OK to do this without all the “demonstrating acts” that I had been trained to perform. That not only does submission remain and blossom in the submissive, but that the dominant also “gets it”, that he can feel the submission through other ways and still feel satisfied. Wow. To be able to serve so much more purely from the heart, instead of the brain! I realize that to some people rituals and protocol works GREAT - but for a scatterbrain like me, I end up focusing so much on attempting to not forget details that I lose the greater picture. Of course it also helps to have a dominant who loves and adores you so much that it’s hard to do anything wrong, because they just see your heart and devotion and think you’re cute when you’re being silly! 
To me, what has always been the most important thing to a D/s relationship, is love. Deep, passionate, crazy love. I’m not truly a slave to someone, until I love them with heart and soul. I also need to be loved back. And I realize that my demands are getting quite high here… I want kink, I want playfulness, AND I want love! AND a family. AND… well, more! And it’s tempting to give up and think that one has to settle… “well, three out of five will probably do…” But luckily Richard and Amy helped me in that regard too, again through example. They really inspired me to not lower my expectations, and to keep believing that it’s not only possible, but necessary - and that I should have it. Nothing less would do. (I’m sure you can all imagine them scrutinizing the suitors, and agreeing with each other that NOBODY was good enough for their Megan! LOL)
And then, one day this very special man showed up on my door. I have never in my 33 year life fallen instantly head over heels for anyone, nor believed in that “first sight” kind of thing, but it happened that day. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I wanted. I suspected it before I met him, from what I had encountered of him through emails and phone calls, but the moment my soul connected with his, I just knew. (And if I’d read this paragraph a year ago, I’d have laughed my ass off and shook my head with amusement and lack of belief in that such things are real.)
That was the end of March, over 7 months ago. I’m still shamelessly, recklessly happy and in love. I’ve tried over a dozen times to write this paragraph, but I just can’t do this justice. I am just amazed at how it’s possible to be this happy. I don’t even know how to describe us. It really is like a dance, a beautiful, exciting dance. And it’s so smooth, so natural, so real, so unique, so “us”. He’s a poly sadistic dominant, and I’m a playful masochistic submissive - but that’s just the basis that we’re building our dynamic on. We’re taking some parts to the extreme, dropping other parts, and introducing whatever turns us on. And at the same time just digging the hell out of each other and having each others’ back.
And I’m just so grateful to Richard and Amy for pushing me lightyears ahead in gaining the consciousness I needed in order to allow this relationship to fall into its own place, and have the peace and openness to let it grow into something that is so unique and purely “us” instead of thinking that we “have” to do one thing or another. By focusing on the passion (and amazing, killer sex!!), and letting it grow into love, the D/s part just naturally flowed into place, and I find myself in such a scary, overwhelming OWNED kind of state that I’m lost for words. And the kick ass part of that is that I’m there, while still being absolutely, purely “me”, with scattered brains, a really goofy sense of humour, moments of evilness, and all those things that I have to some extent or another tried to tone down in other relationships, because I was so worried about not being pretty enough in my service. I’ve even gone back to college, with his amazing support and understanding, and I’m able to enjoy my studies without feeling that I am somehow not serving him well enough, by having such time consuming third party interests.
Thank you guys, for being such a loving and inspiring part of my life. I really, truly love you guys.
That’s such a beautiful and touching post. So heartening to know that a bad D/s experience hasn’t put you off, and that you had good friends who could cheer you and help you heal — ain’t nothin’ better…
Kisses,
Sapphire (you might remember me as Juno)
Comment by Sapphire, Elegant Slut — November 10, 2008 @ 2:51 am
My angel Megan. This was such a wonderful post for me to read today. It’s been a challenging couple of months, with our youngest home almost full-time (issues with his father) and too much work. Hard to have any relationship time, especially that wild, loud, crazy play and sex that a D/s relationship needs (at least mine does :)). Thanks for reminding me (again) of how truly blessed I am.
I love you Megan and miss having you with us all the time. The only thing that makes it okay is knowing that you are finally with the kinky, evil man that appreciates you and loves you like you deserve.
xoxoxoxAmy
Comment by Amy — November 10, 2008 @ 9:51 am
Oh Megan!!What a fantastic post!! I do truly understand where you are coming from, in finding ‘that’ man that finally turns you upside down! I have two such men in my life. Although 1 is not into D/s, we do have kink in our relationship & I am proud to say I am married to him. My other man, again not totally D/s but does have the evil intentions many times, I fell for again, like you Megan, before I met him. When I finally did meet him face to face, I had the full fireworks & butterfly tummy & still do when I meet him. I am going up to Scotland to be with him for 4 days & my excitement is growing all the time. Unfortunately, we cannot be open about this relationship around where he lives, as he is married & his Wife is doesn’t know anything about it. But, the time we do have together, snatched between work & his house, will be sooo special. Megan, I am truly happy for you, enjoy hun!! xxxxx
Comment by Heilan — November 10, 2008 @ 4:09 pm
What a lovely post, Megan! Your words really capture your happiness. It is hard to accept M/s on your own terms..when you know your soul is begging for something, but “it” just doesn’t feel “right”…i am so glad you got it “right”! It’s truly all about connection..and if that comes with love…then all the better!
Anddddddd…you drew Amy out of the void…so glad to hear that all is well there…just life’s busyness! Hopefully you’ll have a moment to post soon…best wishes to you and Richard!
Warmly,
~s/nik
Comment by MJ's slave — November 11, 2008 @ 12:30 pm
Beautifully written and straight from the heart!
I am very happy you found someone whom you can grow with.. and who will grow with you.
All of you are so very lucky and it is extremely evident that you all are happy happy happy!
Congratulations!
~Juli
Comment by Anonymous — November 11, 2008 @ 4:58 pm
At least your real and your love is felt between the lines!Some slaves have become de humanized and i think thats not a healthy place to be especially when there are kids around-oh well maybe some women are desperate-but you guys you appreciate each other and respect each other and love each other what could be better?
Love has no mind, it can’t spell unkind
Comment by Suzanne — December 8, 2008 @ 7:31 pm
Gosh, am all teary-eyed.
Such a beautiful post.
In march I met a person as well, just started out on with realising what BDSM could be. And now, many months later, I feel exactly like you describe… Also recognise the whole thing about not being ‘enough’ but more from vanilla-relationships.
Thank you for writing this.
//
Ve
Comment by Ve — December 17, 2008 @ 4:51 am
I guess you guys don’t exist anymore. So sad- you were my fave!
Comment by cahun — December 26, 2008 @ 9:14 pm
Bugger, how is it I always find people just as they say goodbye.
Comment by Suze — December 30, 2008 @ 4:51 pm
What a nice post, thank you Megan. Richard and Amy, I miss you guys, you were my favorite blog! Come back to us!!
Comment by Kalypso — January 1, 2009 @ 11:08 pm
Hope you guys are well and coming back soon, we miss you.
Comment by agent — January 14, 2009 @ 8:10 am
Ditto on comments from agent - hope you are ok and will blog soon
Comment by asyourslave — January 14, 2009 @ 3:56 pm
Hope all is well with you both, hurry back soon, think there are a load of fans wanting to hear how life is with you both. I sure am missing you!! love to you both xxxxxxxxxxx
Comment by Heilan — January 15, 2009 @ 9:10 am
It is interesting that this post was made months ago and yet i read it today, the day that i needed it most. this one had written in my own journal (private for Master) that i was sad for not getting spankings more and not being told to crawl, ect. This post made me look deep inside and realize that i would never want to give up anything that i have now. We share laughter and there is a deep love that i have never had in my life. Master protects me and not a day goes by that i am not honored to be His. Thank you for helping me to open my eyes.
Comment by rosealee — January 15, 2009 @ 12:22 pm
I am with everyone else… You guys are missed!! Hope all is well and hurry back!!
Comment by callie — January 17, 2009 @ 9:26 am
I love this blog, please, listen to all your fans and write more soon!
Comment by jane — February 1, 2009 @ 6:40 am
This is the longest silence ever. You two sure are missed. I hope you are both happy and loving your life together. Come back soon!
Comment by jdsgirl — February 9, 2009 @ 10:46 pm
Agreed…you all are very missed. I have gone back through every entry. Please post again for everyone.
Comment by Sha — February 10, 2009 @ 8:37 am
I’m begging for an update!
Please!!
Comment by Chantal — February 21, 2009 @ 10:03 am
If slaves are not quite human beings what gives them the right to post or protest?
Comment by Suzanne — February 23, 2009 @ 7:08 am
we’re not quite human beings? DAMNIT I missed that memo.
I wonder if it’s too late for a rewrite of my contract
Comment by megan — February 23, 2009 @ 7:39 am